Today as I was driving back to the ranch from town I had sort of an epiphany. Maybe not to that degree, but insightful nonetheless. I had just spent the better part of the afternoon with one of my long time friends. We’ve known each other over a decade, and yet I still feel the need to seem like I have my life put together around her. We began to talk about how hard it is to make new friends who want to be real in this season of life. And while I sat there and agreed with her, I questioned myself, “How many times am I really, real?”
You see, I realized I have this problem of saying sorry all the time. Doesn’t sound like a problem right? Of course I believe in saying sorry, when it is needed! “Sorry I am late, sorry I forgot to call you back, sorry I unintentionally hurt your feelings, etc.” Yes, in our life we will have many things we are and should be sorry for. But, I find myself saying sorry for things that are simply out of my control sometimes. Why am I ‘sorry’ that not everything is perfect? Too many times ‘sorry’ is the first thing that slips out of my mouth when I truly have nothing to be sorry for.
I unintentionally place the blame on myself and begin to feel bad. I have come to realize this is completely unnecessary.
So, I am not sorry for a dirty kitchen when my baby has been up crying all night. I am not sorry for bringing a store bought pie instead of a fresh baked one. I am not sorry for demanding respect for myself. Instead, I am sorry for trying too hard for making everything seem perfectly put together when in fact it is falling apart. I am sorry for going out of my way to please people who have checked out a long time ago, only to make me feel rejected over and over again. I am sorry for placing unrealistic expectations in my life for people and circumstances around me.
So, I’m sorry, I’m not sorry my hair is on day two of dry shampoo and my car has yesterdays drive through still in the seat. I’m not sorry that I’m going to begin to share real life, reality, with those around me.
I’ve decided to stop putting weights on my own shoulders to please everyone around me when that person doesn’t even expect it.
Life is messy. Life is busy. And sometimes life gets downright hard. I am thankful that I have friends who will stand in the sewer of life sometimes and let me know that it is okay. It is okay to feel sad sometimes, to lose it sometimes, to feel the need to run. And just like those friends who I know will stick beside me during the worst of times, I have a Father who is also there. He sees the grit and grime of everyday life and He is still pursuing us. He sees the very inner-workings of my heart and yet He still loves me. Here is a hard truth; we can’t hide anything from God. No emotion, no facade for Him. But maybe that is what is the most beautiful; He sees me for who I truly am, and loves me because of it.
“Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.” Psalm 51:6